What The Hell?
by i.heart.the.doctor
Summary: Bella and Edward, who have never met, are both fans of drinking and one night stands. Settling down isn't for them. Sex is fun, so what happens when they wake up as the wrong sex? More specifically; what happens when they wake up as each other? AH
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yeah I know... why am I writing this when I already have 2 other fics on the go that I'm barely updating? the answer is I have no freaking idea! I was just chatting to some friends and this sort just of happened and I kind of HAD to write it. I am slowly working on the chapters of my other fics it's just hard trying to do angsty or angry these days... So here I am trying to do a bit of humour... hope it works lol... Thanks to Fallanydeeper for betaing!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Twilight... but now I have cardboard cut outs of Edward AND Jasper, can you say lame? (I do love being lame though)**

**EPOV**

The alarm began blaring out some lame generic pop song. Groaning, I rolled onto my side to hit snooze. Instead of my bedside table, my hand hit soft mattress which wasn't right. My bed was a single and this was clearly a double that I was lying in. Confused, I began to open my eyes. How much had I drunk last night? Looking around the room I realised it wasn't even mine. It was clearly a girl's room. There wasn't anyone in the bed next to me so I just assumed they'd gone for a shower or something. Perfect, it meant I'd be able to have a quick snoop to see what the girl looked like and do a runner if I wasn't keen. Yeah I was a bit of a jerk, but I was young and good looking, why the hell wouldn't I get as much as I could while I still actually could?

The alcohol must have seriously messed with my head because I suddenly felt a lot shorter than usual. Fuck I was not going to drink again for at least a week. Then again, I probably wouldn't last two days without going to a club again. What can I say? I'm insatiable.

The girl that lived here was clearly a bit of a slob. Clothes were just thrown all over the place. I picked up a pair of small, black lacy thongs,_ nice,_ not too shoddy at all. Maybe I'd hang around after all.

I walked out of the room in search of the kitchen, I needed food. Food was my friend when my head felt like this. I heard some singing coming from one direction and decided to follow it. It was the moment of truth I guess. There was a blonde hovering over the stove cooking something or other. She was wearing some tight shorts and a small tank top thingy. Her ass looked great. I just stood and admired.

"Are you just going to stand there or can you pass me the plates? Pancakes okay for you?" she asked. I silently crept up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist, placing my head on her shoulders. The girl must have been fucking tall though or I'd shrunk over night or something, maybe the room had been really hot, can people shrink in the heat like clothes?

"Damn you're affectionate this morning."

"Mmmm." I replied burying my face in her neck.

"Bells, how much did you drink last night? Did you get laid or something? Because he must have been one hell of a fuck, you're usually a complete bitch this early," that was a strange thing to say.

"Who the fuck is Bells?" I asked. Okay what the hell was up with my voice? That wasn't mine. That was way too high, I hadn't sounded anywhere near anything like that since before my freaking balls dropped. They can't un-drop can they? The blonde chick turned around and gave me a weird look. "Shit how much did you drink? God you haven't drunk yourself into a state of amnesia again have you? I'm not fucking teaching you everything again. Alice can do it this time. It's her fault you even went out."

"What the hell are you going on about?" I asked. My voice was still all squeaky. I coughed trying to clear my throat. "And what the fuck is up with my voice?"

"It sounds fine to me. Why don't you go lie back down or something, I'll bring you the pancakes, you'll just owe me."

"Are you going to come with me?" I asked suggestively. She just burst out laughing.

"Oh sweetie, you know if I swung that way you'd be the first person I called," she chuckled as she kissed my cheek. Well shit. Who the fuck did I sleep with last night then?

I went back into the room I was in originally. I couldn't hear anyone else in the apartment unless they were being like, I don't know, really quiet somewhere. I was so damn confused. I looked around the room for pictures or anything to let me know what this chick looked like. I managed to find a purple vibrator just lying there for all to see underneath her underwear in her draw. Okay so maybe it wasn't that clear to see, but I mean why wouldn't I check those drawers?

On top of the dresser that contained her items of 'fun', was a frame; in that frame was a picture of three women. One of the women was the blonde from the kitchen, and another was what appeared to be a short girl with dark hair. She was really pretty, cute in a girly sort of way, not the type I'd usually go for but she wasn't bad. The third was fucking hot. She was medium height with long brown hair that went to her elbows. Her tits looked like the perfect size. They were big but still looked natural. Her lips looked full and pouty yet she didn't look like she'd been stung by a bee, which was a fresh thing to see these days, what with all the plastic surgery chicks were having. This one looked all natural to me. I was really hoping she was the owner of the room because if not I would probably cause their friendship a few problems, I couldn't just leave her alone now I'd seen her.

Blondie chose this moment to walk in with the food.

"You okay? You seem a bit off." How would she know what off was like for me?

"I'm fine." I replied. Really, when was my voice coming back? Sounding prepubescent was growing very old, very fast. She just looked at me warily before leaving the room again. Where was the bathroom in this place? I needed a piss and perhaps throwing some water on my face would help clear my head a bit.

I stood in front of the toilet and lowered my pants. That was the moment I realised I'd lost my fucking mind.

**BPOV**

That had probably been one of the best night's sleep I'd had in a long time. I snuggled further into the bed before realising why I'd slept so well. My fucking alarm hadn't gone off. I shot up in a panic. Alice would kill me if I wasn't at the shop by 10am. We both worked as checkout girls, glamorous I know, but it wasn't too bad. We spent most of the time just messing about. The shop didn't have too many customers so really the only downside to the job was the shitty pay and having to wake up before midday.

I looked around the room for the clock. This wasn't my room. Shit. Alice was going to die, the evil cow made me go out last night. Okay so she didn't have to do much persuasion, but still, it was her idea.

_(Flashback)_

"_Bella, do you want to go that club tonight?" asked Alice._

"_Which one?" I replied._

"_Errrm, I don't know… the one with music." She shrugged._

"_Sure, why not? I could do with some fun."_

"_Bells, you only went out last night." Rose cut in._

"_Really?" Wow I was losing track of things these days. They both just nodded at me._

"_Huh," was my articu__late response._

_(End flashback)_

I groaned and flopped back onto the bed. I was going to kill Alice if I got fired over this. I rolled over onto my stomach, burying my face in the soft pillows. At least who ever this guy was knew how to choose good bedding. That's when I started to notice things were weird. For one I noticed nothing was obstructing my chest from the mattress. My stomach was flat on it and my arms, it was like my boobs had vanished. Being this close to the bed also made me realised the most fucked up thing. It couldn't be possible.

I quickly rolled over onto my back again and looked down and there it was in all its glory, a fucking penis. It was pretty big too. If it wasn't my own I'd be impressed. It was a good length and width. I'd have counted it as a good night if I'd had a chance to play with one like that usually, which brought me right back to the main dilemma…. My fucking peen. There were other differences. I mean I didn't _just_have a cock; but my tits were gone, my legs were hairy, I had fucking chest hair and I had some pretty decent muscles. I needed a mirror.

I managed to find the bathroom pretty quickly. It was an en suite and the door was open. Shame I didn't get to use my amazing detective skills to find it. It was kind of amusing wandering around strange men's places, hiding around corners, humming the mission impossible theme tune while on an operation to piss. I was easily pleased. Simple things please simple minds and all that shit, apparently.

I took a deep breath before looking in the mirror. Well that wasn't me. It wasn't even like a male version of me. I had brown hair and brown eyes usually, so why was my hair suddenly some weird reddish brown colour and my eyes green? I just stood gaping. Five minutes later I was still staring. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the fuck had happened. The last thing I remembered was the Sambuca, lots of Sambuca. This couldn't be real. I mean this wasn't even something I could imagine happening, okay maybe I could, I did often find myself pondering the strangest shit.

Maybe this wasn't real, maybe I'd drunk myself into a coma. It seemed likely. Maybe I had a drinking problem. Okay, so if this was a dream then I was going to take full advantage of this shit. I decided to look in the mirror again and this time instead of freaking out about the fact it wasn't me, I focused on who it was. And whoever it was; was fucking hot. The jaw was perfectly angular with a light brushing of stubble. I felt myself getting hard. That has got to be the last thing I would ever imagine myself thinking. I was getting hard over myself, or I think it was meant to be myself. Jesus Christ was I confused. Hot, but confused. The boner I was currently sporting wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world either. Well I had always said if I was a bloke for the day the first thing I'd do would be to have a wank.

I'd done this countless times before so I knew what to do, it just felt too damn weird to be doing it to myself, but fuck did it feel good. I just stared at myself in the mirror, gazing at the way the muscles in my arm tensed as I slid my hand up and down my cock. The muscles in my stomach were taught and looked oh so lickable. The feel of my hand felt indescribable. No wonder the guys in high school had always walked around with their hands in their pants. If I'd had one then I would of too. I was picturing I was me and whoever this guy was had me bent over the sink and just kept thrusting deep inside me, hitting the most amazing angle. I felt an odd sensation as my balls began to tighten and what felt like electricity flowed through my body causing every muscle to tense before everything relaxed instantly as I shot my load. It was seriously the strangest feeling I'd ever had. I was fucking awesome though, I did have to admit.

As amazing as the dream was I couldn't help but wonder when the hell it was going to end. Being a man was pretty disorientating, I had to admit, and I wasn't used to feeling this tall. I made my way back over to the bed and lay back down feeling pretty spent already, no wonder guys always fell asleep after sex, I guess they weren't just being dicks after all.

I fell back to sleep pretty quickly but was woken up by a knock at the door. "Alice, Rose! Can you get the door?" I called. No one replied. I couldn't even hear people wandering around the place. All I could hear was the knocking.

"Edward!" a voice called from outside. I opened my eyes. Shit. I was still in the random room and I still had a fucking penis.

**A/N: Well there you have it.. my first attempt at humour, I hope I didn't mess up too bad. Loves you all!**

**Doc**

**xx**


	2. Chapter 2

******A/N: ****I suck I know! So freaking sorry and all that jazz... but I have no excuse :( Also thanks to fallanydeeper for betaing *kisses***

**EPOV**

What the fuck was going on? It was gone. It wasn't like I could have misplaced it or anything. I was freaking out. Last night I went to bed Edward Cullen, normal guy, normal life, and then I woke up with a vagina. This couldn't be right. I must have been slipped something, I must still be high. It was the only explanation. My hand trailed down between my legs and my fingers slipped between the folds. Yep, I really had a fucking pussy. Fuck my life.

Realising I still needed to pee I turned around and sat on the toilet. Well this was bound to be interesting. The feeling of relief felt the same but the whole fact that I'd just had to sit down so I could take a leak completely boggled the mind. I quickly wiped myself dry and got up. I washed my hands, splashing the water on my face in the process and looked up at the mirror. Fuck. It was her, the hot chick from the photo. I _was_ the hot chick.

Glancing down I wondered how I'd not noticed the tits yet. You would have thought that, being me, that they would have been the first thing I'd noticed when I woke up; I guess I really wasn't a morning person.

I made my way back into the bedroom, my mind completely in a daze. Okay, so I was a girl. I was pretty sure I must have been this Bells that Blondie had been going on about. What the heck kind of a name was Bells anyway? Most importantly though, what was I meant to do about this. I had my own life to live. I couldn't live someone else's instead. I had a job I was meant to do; I was a shelf stacker at the local supermarket. Without me that place would be a mess, it would fall apart. Well maybe not, but I liked to think that way, it helped me feel better about myself.

I flopped, face first onto the bed. I seriously had no fucking clue what to do with myself. I mean what the hell is a person meant to do when they wake up as someone else; not just someone else but a fucking woman. I'm pretty sure there isn't a handbook out there telling me why the hell it happened and how to become me again.

I already missed my penis. I was pretty damn attached to that thing. It'd been through so much with me. I mean yeah, tits were awesome, just not such a fan when they're my own. I gave them a quick squeeze, they were pretty amazing as far as tits went, I'd be ogling me if I wasn't well, you know… me, if that made sense.

Rolling over I stared at the ceiling. It was yellowing slightly and looked kind of grubby. It was similar to my own actually, in a freaky way it made me feel at home. My mom would always moan when she visited. She had told me thousands of times to give up smoking, the almost yellow ceiling being only one of the reasons, but I really couldn't be fucked with it. I enjoyed it, so why give up? I noticed there was a pack on the side. I gazed at them as if they were water in a desert. A fucking cigarette was exactly what I needed right now. Taking one out and lighting it almost instantly, I took a deep drag. Fucking great. I let the nicotine make its way into my system and soothe me.

What was I meant to do though? Although the cigarette took some of the stress away it wasn't helping the confusion. Was I stuck like this? Was I meant to go about pretending to be this Bells chick? What was going on with my own life? Was she me now? I seriously needed some freaking answers. I guess the first step would be figuring out who I actually was.

I spied a handbag on the floor and decided to rummage through it, in search of a wallet. I mean she had to have some I.D right? Looking at it I found out her name was actually Isabella Swan and she was 24 years old. I also found an I.D card for where she worked. Well fuck me sideways, she worked in the same shop as me. How the fuck hadn't I noticed her before? I know for a fact if I'd seen this girl I would have tried to get in her pants. I mean it probably wouldn't have ended well but it would have been a hell of a ride while it lasted. Not one to toot my own horn, okay I totally am, but you know, it's not like the women complain, they're usually lined up to have a go on Edward Cullen. I doubt they'd be as willing now I'm lacking their favourite organ.

That's when I remembered the pancakes Blondie had brought in, they'd be a bit cold by now but some food would definitely be nice since I'd finished the cigarette. After I finished I looked at the clock, it was already midday. I realised I would have to get dressed and actually do something. Grabbing the first clothes I could find I ended up wearing a simple black t shirt and some jeans that made my ass look hot, which had to be the weirdest thing I'd ever thought to myself. But seriously, right now, I would totally do me.

One thing that had occurred to me was the fact that I would most likely have to pretend to be Isabella whether I wanted to or not. It was either live the life of her or get locked away in some padded room which I doubt was anyone's idea of fun.

I walked out of the room and found Blondie again. She was just watching some random show on TV so I plonked down next to her on the sofa.

"So what are you going to do today seeing as you're clearly skipping work? Alice will be pissed by the way."

"Yeah, totally skipped my mind this morning, I'll have to say sorry or something." I replied, playing along. I prayed she'd be vague enough with stuff so I could carry on conversation without giving away the fact I had no clue what the fuck she was talking about.

"Oh well, it's you that'll have to deal with her not me. Sooo good luck with that." she announced while hitting my thigh and making a move to stand up. "Em's home and I'm horny so I'm out. Have fun."

"Yeah," I replied as she grabbed her coat and made her way out the door.

Ok so now I was alone in some strange house and I had no idea what the fuck to do. Well until the phone rang anyway.

**BPOV**

Shit. Shit. Shit.

So it wasn't a dream? What the fuck? How the hell is this even possible? People just aren't meant to randomly wake up with a penis. I couldn't even blame alcohol, I'd slept so much even the hangover was nearly gone.

"Edward! Let me in!" called that voice again. Right yeah, there was someone here. To avoid being dragged off by those men in white coats that I'd always joked were friends of Alice's; I decided I'd simply have to pretend to be this Edward guy, whoever the fuck he was…

I threw on a pair of jeans I found on the back of a chair and went to get the door. I didn't need to wear a top now since guys can get away with that shit, so I was going to take full advantage.

"What?" I asked while trying to rub the sleep from my eyes.

"I'm bored, so I thought I'd come round and we could do shit or something." I looked at the guy in front of me and damn, he was nice. So hottie's friend was a hottie too. He had messy blonde hair that came to about his chin, his eyes were a greyish blue, he looked pretty tall; about 6"2ish with a swimmer's build. I was starting to get hard, ok being a dude, not so fun. How the hell did you turn it off? Surely getting hard over what could be one of my best friends is just weird right, I mean like, what if he was a relative? Ewww I could be getting an erection over my own brother! I doubted that though, we looked nothing alike.

"Oh right." I moved out the way letting him in. My eyes couldn't help but wander to his ass, such a nice ass. I was glad I'd put on a pair of jeans not some sweat pants or something, as uncomfortable as the denim was; at least it hid the tent I was currently pitching. The guy flopped himself onto the sofa and turned to me giving me a curious glance. Shit I hope he didn't see me staring because _that_would be awkward. I seriously needed to figure out this guy's name. I needed to find out more about myself for that matter. Hottie decided to turn the TV on and put on some random channel. I didn't even notice what was on, there were too many questions flying through my head.

"What you get up to last night?" he asked.

"Fuck if I know," was my honest reply. He just laughed. "How about you?"

"Okay you know that short dark haired chick from work?" No, I have no clue where we work.

"Yeah," I replied.

"I ran into her at that club yesterday, her name's Alice. We ended up back at my place. I think I want to see her again you know."

"That's cool."

"Yep, oh and did you know one of her roommates is dating Emmett?"

"Really? That's cool." I felt like an idiot, being in a conversation where I have no freaking clue what's going on his head, you know?

"I hear they have another room mate too you know." He elbowed me in the side and gave me a wink. I hoped he would wink again. I almost said 'cool' again but thought better of it, seriously what had happened to my vocabulary this morning? It hit me then, if I was stuck in this body was I going to have to date girls? I mean it could be fun, but they just didn't do it for me. Would the real Edward kill me if I decided he was gay, or at least just while I was in his body. Actually that could be hot. I was lost in thought, that damn erection still there. If I ever got back into my own body I would never judge a guy again for his inappropriate boners.

We sat and sort of watched TV for an hour or two before hottie announced he had shit to do. I was disappointed he was leaving but at least I wouldn't feel so awkward anymore.

I went back to sitting on the sofa after he'd left and got back to that whole thinking thing again. If I was in this body who was in mine? Was this Edward guy me now? I needed a cigarette, quick. There was an ashtray on the coffee table so there had to be ciggies somewhere right? After ten minutes of searching I found them. I was so thankful for that little box of cancer sticks I could kiss the damn things. Lying back on the sofa inspiration hit, why don't I just phone myself to see who I am? It made sense, in a weird way anyway.

I dialled my number. I was pretty damn nervous to tell the truth. What if I found out something horrible? What if I didn't even exist anymore? Someone answered on the third ring.

"Hello?" they asked, it was a girl I could tell that but I couldn't figure out if it was me or not, I mean how the hell do I sound on a phone?

"Is errrm Bella Swan there?"

"Oh yeah, speaking," they replied. "Who's this?"

"Edward."

"Oh shit! Please say you're actually this Bella chick."

"Yes!" As weird as this was I couldn't help but be relieved. This meant Edward was me and I was Edward. "So, are you Edward?" I asked.

"Yeah, shit this is weird."

"Tell me about it," I breathed a huge sigh of relief, maybe we could work this shit out together.

"Do you have any idea what's happened?" Edward asked.

"Not a fucking clue," I replied.

"Ok, so what do we do, I mean I've gone along with being you this morning what have you done?"

"The same really." I left out the bit of self-love from the first time I woke up, no need to share that sort of information. "Some blonde guy came round for a bit."

"Yeah, that'd be Jasper. Oh hey, did you know we work at the same place?" he asked.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I found your ID, hope you don't mind I went through your shit, I just needed to find out who I was."

"Nah that's ok, makes perfect sense to be honest, kind of embarrassed I never thought of that," I chuckled.

"Okay, I don't want to sound like a dick but that's my phone bill your building up here, do you want to meet for coffee or something? We could talk a little easier then."

"Oh shit, sorry, and yeah coffee sounds like a good idea."

"How about we meet at the Starbucks closest to work?"

"Sounds like a plan. Meet in an hour?"

"Sure I'll see you there." And with that he hung up. I went and grabbed a plain black t shirt to throw on before leaving the house. It was going to be so damn weird meeting myself.

**A/N: I highly doubt it was worth the wait but I'm sorry :( I know i suck at updating and stuff and i want to be better at it, but it's so hard when there's so many other good fics in the world that I can't stop reading :( So pretty please forgive me? I'll love you forever...**.

**doc xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n: yeah i still suck with updates... i probably always will until some one finds a cure for laziness and my addiction to reading fic. If it's pants, again im sorry =/ i warn you... i think i did too much dialogue =s Thanks to fallanydeeper for betaing**

**I don't own twilight... twilight owns me**

**EPOV**

Clothes, I needed clothes. There was no way I was putting any effort into getting dressed, I'd probably just make her look easy if I put on what I liked. I raided her wardrobe, not really caring where I threw anything; by the state of the room I assumed she wouldn't care either. Bella had some skimpy clothes that I bet looked hot when on. It crossed my mind to put them on later in private but that seemed a bit weird. I mean I get I was a female now, sort of, but I couldn't see myself giving myself a mini fashion show or some shit, I mean I get that some people are into cross dressing, but it really isn't my thing. In the end I settled for some loose jeans and a plain black tank top. It was comfy and simple. I decided to forget the bra since her tits were perky enough for it not to matter too much.

I sprayed on some deodorant; it smelt all weird and floral. It was the small things like the smell of the deodorant or the peeing while sat down that were really getting to me. Why the fuck had this happened? I liked being a dude, I liked my penis and having spray that smelt all manly and shit. After brushing my teeth I checked the clock. I had half an hour to get to the coffee place. I wasn't quite sure where I was so I figured I should set out now and sort of just guess where to go.

Turns out Bella lives over the road from the coffee place and it would also seem waiting sucks. After been sat down for 15 minutes I decided I might as well order some coffee before they decided to kick me out or something. The queue was pretty long so I pulled out the iPod I'd found when snooping through Bella's bag. I had no idea what was on here so I just hit shuffle and hoped for the best. The first song that came on was Lady Gaga, oh God please say the music got better. Next was Katy Perry. It wasn't getting any better surely there was some music on here that wasn't something out of the charts. I eventually found some in 'The Used' playlist and listened to them for a bit. I was worried about Bella's taste, all these weird chick singers and then some angry emo stuff, she needed some better music.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to be greeted by some tall blond guy with a creepy smile on his face.

"What?" I asked, not really in the mood for random strangers.

"I'm new in town and was wondering if you could help me?" The smile was still there.

"Help you with what?"

"Well I was hoping to find out where hot young things like yourself hang out." Holy shit, I was being hit on! By a dude! Okay it wasn't the first time guys had hit on me, but it was the first time they'd done it while having a conversation with my breasts, or Bella's breasts, whatever. I simply laughed in his face as a response and turned around putting the earphones back in.

I felt him tap me on the shoulder _again_, the guy was stupid. "Awww come on, you don't need to play hard to get."

"I'm really a dude."

"Wait, what?"

"Want to see my penis?" he was pretty damn speechless at this point.

"Uh, wai… wh….You're shitting me right?"

"I kid you not, I bet it's bigger than yours too." The guy stood there, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Awesomely enough Bella chose this moment to walk in, or should I call her Edward? This shit was confusing. She walked through the door and straight over to me, it's not like she couldn't tell who I was after all. Could the situation be any more fucked up? She saw the guy still staring at my tits. Her tits? It was as if he figured he stared long enough they'd tell him the answer to life's great mysteries, that or he was trying to see if they were real so he could prove me wrong.

"This dick keeps hitting on me and won't believe I'm actually a dude."

"Yeah he's a dude," she said to the man before turning back to me. "So, Edward right? I'm Bella." she introduced herself. Creepy guy looked like he was about to faint.

"No way, there's just no way, she's a chick and you're a guy, you're just messing with me right?"

"Oh I kid you not. He is most definitely a dude, I've seen his penis, its big."

I raised my eyebrow at her in question, she just smirked in response. Oh so she had figured out how to give that signature smirk of mine, I hope she realised just how dangerous that could be to chicks.

"Wait, I thought you just met?"

"In person yeah, but we've been chatting and going on cam for a few weeks now, right sweet cheeks?" I said before throwing a wink at Bella.

"Yeah, we met on this dating site, it was love at first PM," she sighed before placing a kiss on my temple. Have you ever been kissed on the head by yourself? It's fucking weird. But this whole conversation was getting to be pretty fucking amazing. I barely knew this Bella and I'd already decided she was awesome. "You know babes, it might be fun to have another person join us, he doesn't look so bad, and I bet he'd like your cock," she added while looking the dude up and down and biting her lip.

"I errrm, I… have… to erm go?" he stuttered before running off. The dick never even got his drink in the end.

"So, coffee?" I asked before we both burst out laughing.

**BPOV**

"Coffee sounds awesome." We both managed to calm down after a short while. Edward placed the order and I went and found us some seats. It was weird walking in and seeing myself standing there. It would be like suddenly getting an identical twin or something, or maybe a clone; but then I'd remember I don't even look like me right now, then shit just gets weirder. Oddly enough the situation I found was not new in the slightest. I was used to creeps hitting on me and I'd actually used the penis excuse before. Though I have to admit after that one time where the guy practically begged me to let him suck my non-existent penis; I'd been a bit apprehensive of using it again. But the look on the guys face had been amazing when I decided to play along. Fucking with people's head had always been a hobby of mine.

"So..." Edward breathed out as he sat down. Oh yeah, time for the awkward conversation. Fun.

"Yep," was my, oh so eloquent reply. He can be the one to start the conversation properly. I didn't have a clue how to do it.

"So you've got my body, hey?"

"It would seem so. You've got mine too though, so it's only fair," he giggled slightly at my response.

"Shit, did I just giggle? This is so fucking weird."

"You totes giggled dude, you lose so many man points."

"I think when I lost my penis and gained some tits the whole man points thing no longer mattered, that is if it ever mattered in the first place."

"Hey, you best not be knocking those knockers. I paid good money for those babies."

"Wait, these are fake?"

"Yep, not much though, I only went up about a cup size. It was kind of a dare. My friend's dad is a plastic surgeon and he's always having relationships with his clients. I may of mocked a few of the bimbos and said friend decided to tell me it was simply because I was too chicken to go under the knife. One thing you can't do is call me is chicken, so yeah, a while later I was down a few thousand dollars and I had those bad boys. Not bad right?"

"They're actually pretty awesome, I couldn't even tell." He even gave them a good feel. You know what sucks? Knowing your boobs are being felt up, even though you aren't, seriously. It just wasn't fair so I decided to cup what was currently my junk. He noticed my actions and gave me a funny look.

"Yeah, not so fun seeing yourself get groped without feeling the enjoyment is it?"

"No, can't say it is. It also just looks a bit weird. Like seeing myself in a mirror but I'm not the one controlling my actions."

"Yep, so are you going to leave the girls alone any time soon?" I looked pointedly at my rack and he dropped his hands.

"So how do you think this happened? Why us?"

"I really don't have a fucking clue. I simply went out last night hoping to get a bit drunk and get laid. I only achieved the get drunk part then I wake up in your room with morning wood. It sucks ass."

"I was doing pretty much the same. At first I thought I'd slept with that blonde chick, what's her name anyway?"

"That would be Rose, and I guess you have slept with her, well I have, we were drunk but she doesn't remember it, so don't mention it or anything, she'd probably just freak out."

"Shit that's hot." He looked a bit dazed.

"So we work in the same place then?"

"Yup, lucky us," he dead panned.

"That better of been at the expense of our employer and not at being a co-worker of mine."

"Oh it was totally a jab at them. Though I really don't know how I never spotted you round the shop. Speaking of, apparently I have to deal with some Alice chick later because I missed work."

"Oh shit yeah! That should be fun. Wait, does your friend Jasper work there too?"

"Yeah he does."

"He said he was dating some dark hair girl named Alice, you don't think that's my Alice do you?"

"Dating?"

"Well he said he fucked her and wanted to see her again, so they might be dating."

"Wow, she must have made an impression then."

"Oh! And if Jasper is on about Alice then that Emmett dude must be Rose's mystery Em guy!"

"Shit, I hit on Emmett's chick?" His face paled slightly.

"Not technically, I did if you remember, so don't panic. Oh and Jasper was totally hinting at setting us up I think." That idea suddenly seemed a lot more amusing.

"Yeah don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. I mean you seem cool and you're hot and shit, but dude you're me, that's just freaky."

"Tell me about it."

"Should we like lay down rules and stuff so people don't suspect we're crazy and have us shoved in a padded cell?"

"Ugh that sounds all complicated, there is no way I can sit here and think up everything we would need to know, I'd forget something important, I just know it."

"Okay how about we just stick together as much as we can, then we can like help each other and shit would be a lot easier then. Also if our friends are now all fucking each other we'll probably be thrown together a lot."

"I think you're on to something there. They'll probably just think we're doing it too."

"I could live with that assumption. We could be fake fuck buddies."

"I think I like this idea. Though I don't know what we'll actually do about getting our release. I guess there is always masturbation, but I don't know… I really like having another person there."

"Yeah, I am a pretty big fan of sex, it has to be said." Edward agreed.

"I guess seeing as we don't know how long we're going to be like this, I give you permission to fuck who you want, just you know make sure they're clean and shit, that's still my body and I don't want any STDs. Also keep it private, like if you're doing chicks go back to their place, if we do get our bodies back I don't want a bunch of questions from friends and family." I thought those were reasonable requests. I suppose most people wouldn't have thought about this as an issue, but really I was simply hinting that I wanted the same permission. I have a healthy appetite, what can I say?

"That makes sense and thanks, I guess. I suppose same goes to you, but if you fuck dudes _please_don't bottom, that hole is exit only and I intend for it to stay that way. And seriously keep that shit private, guys aren't as experimental as girls and it would be a whole lot harder to explain."

"Makes sense," I reasoned.

"So what now?" he asked.

"I don't have a fucking clue. Seeing as you're not going into work today I guess we could go back to yours and like chill and get to know each other."

"By yours do you mean mine or yours?"

"I mean yours, like where I woke up this morning."

"Sounds great," he said while standing up. He held out his hand to help me and I accepted. We got a few funny looks for that, I was confused for a second till I realised the 'girl' out of us was the one being a gentleman. I guess we were modern.

"Cigarette?" He offered when we got outside.

"Fuck yes."

**A/N: so errm yeah there it is... i hope you liked it! Also if the whole he/she edward/bella thing when like thinking is confusing you... don't worry it's confusing me too =/ i just have to remember when i say he i mean it looks like a she and visa versa. Also just wanted to say r.i.p to the bfffers blog :( imma miss that thing! I might i might go cook dinner now... it's nearly 11pm! see laziness even gets me there... i can't be bothered to cook! What are you guys having for dinner? I'm going to have this weird cheese thing i make with some spaghetti and hot dogs...**

**doc**

**xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Yes i took forever again, I'm sorry i suck so bad, seriously. Anyways I now have an awesome new banner made by the awesome Robrator from thetwilightawards(dot)com which i will go and link on my profile in a sec :) So anyway i hope you enjoy and sorry about the wait again. Thanks to Fallanydeeper for betaing.**

**BPOV**

"Okay so what are we actually going to do today?" I asked as I flopped down onto the sofa.

"Do you realise how short I feel right now? I am totally not used to my apartment from this low angle." Edward mused as he wandered through the living room.

"Hey I'm not that short."

"Wait until you go back to yours, you'll probably feel like a giant."

"Maybe," I wondered, "anyway, what we doing?" Edward was walking into the kitchen towards the fridge.

"Beer?" he asked.

"Sure."

"Is there anything on the TV? Or you could go through my DVDs over there and pick something to watch." He returned to the living room and handed me a bottle while indicating towards the shelves next to the TV. I grabbed the beer and walked over to the DVDs, I could easily decide to see what was on the TV but this was more fun, I loved snooping. That's when I noticed the beautiful box sets. I picked up the second season and sighed.

"Doctor Who it is then," Edward giggled.

"You giggled again." I teased.

"Yeah well you just fucking sighed and stroked a DVD case, you can't judge."

"Fuck you, it's David Tennant, I'm entitled to sigh."

"Hand it over then." I gave him the DVD and he went and put it on. "Want any chips or whatever?"

"Sure." Edward wandered back into the kitchen.

"Shit," he grunted in frustration. "Erm Bella? Can you give me a hand?"

I walked into the kitchen to see what was going on to find him leaning against the counter with his arms folding across his boobs. _Ha, his boobs_. I giggled to myself; I could be so childish at times. Right now I blamed my immaturity on the fact I was male, everyone knew they were the more childish of the sexes.

"What's up?"

"I can't reach the chips," he whined while pointing to the top shelf.

"Why the fuck are they up there if you can't reach them?"

"Well usually I can, so can you grab them please?"

"Oh, sure." I casually reached into the cupboard for them. There really was a pretty significant height difference. I held them above his head. "Want these?" I teased.

"Fuck you, give me the chips."

"You have to take them from me; it's the whole point of the game."

"Oh and what game would them be?" he asked.

"The 'try and grab the chips game' obviously."

"Right, okay I'll play." He then proceeded to punch me in the junk. And holy fuck, it turns our men don't exaggerate.

"Fuck," I gasped out as I curled into a ball in the floor. It really fucking hurt. Like really, really hurt.

"Hurt's doesn't it?" he mocked. I just glared in response as a tear rolled down my face.

"You just wait till it's that time of the month," I retorted while still rolling around on the floor. Edward's face, or my face I guess, paled.

"Wait, errm what? When?"

"Oh, next week sometime, that should be fun for you." I'd managed to get myself off the floor now and was slowly hobbling back towards the living room. He looked like he was scared shitless so I took pity on him. "Oh don't worry, I'll talk you through it and shit," I chuckled.

We finally sat down in front of the TV and prepared to watch some time lord awesomeness.

"Cat nurses are creepy." Edward informed me.

"They seriously are. I don't think I could visit their hospital anyway, I'm allergic to cats. It would do me more harm than good."

"I bet they could cure that though, those cats can cure anything."

"Hmmm maybe, okay now I actually want to find one of those creepy cat nurses and demand they make me un-sneezy because a cat would be an awesome pet, they do such weird shit."

"Ah Bella, don't be fooled by the funny captions, cats are evil."

"How so?"

"You just know they're secretly plotting world domination, all those cats are just waiting till our guards are completely down, then they'll lay on our faces as we sleep and kill us."

"Lies."

"Fine, don't believe me, just don't come crying to me when they've made you their slave, I'll be chilling with the dogs in safety."

"If cats took over the world surely the dogs would be the first to go."

"Maybe we're just over thinking it, after all it's those zombies with all those diseases the Doctor and Rose need to look out for."

"True dat."

We continued to watch the episode: Lady Cassandra took over Rose's body, the Doctor and Lady Cassandra found out about the zombie things, then the Doctor figured out about Lady Cassandra after Rose acted weird and some other stuff happened and then Lady Cassandra was in the Doctor's body.

"Dude this show just got oddly realistic." I realised.

"Woah."

"So glad we aren't trapped inside the same body though, I think our brains in one body could cause the end of the world."

"I think you might be right," he agreed.

"Why do you think this happened though? Like, really?"

"I haven't got a fucking clue."

"Do you think we have some moral to learn like in 'Freaky Friday'?"

"That's that Lindsay Lohan film right?"

"Well the re-make is, yeah."

"I've never seen it so I don't know."

"We need to watch it someday then, Alice has the DVD, we might learn stuff. Oh and we can watch 'It's A Boy Girl Thing' while we're at it."

"Is this just some way to make me watch chick flicks," he groaned.

"Maybe, but don't pretend I didn't see 'Bring It On' in your DVD collection."

"Cheerleaders… need I say more?"

"Excuses," I huffed.

The episode was finishing when my phone rang. The name Alice flashed on the screen.

"Hello?"

"Erm, who's this?" she asked. Ugh, she could be so ditzy at times. She knew who she was ringing when she hit dial….. Oh yeah, I gave myself a mental face palm as I remembered I wasn't actually Bella at that moment.

"Oh erm yeah I'm Edward, I'll just get Bella for you now."

"What the fuck do I say?" he whispered in a panicked voice as I handed the phone over.

"Fuck if I know."

**EPOV**

"Hey Alice," I said shakily as I put the phone to my ear.

"Don't 'hey Alice' me you cow, where the fuck were you today? You know I hate being stuck at work without you to talk to," she whined.

"I'm sorry?" I replied.

"You better be bitch, but seriously, where the fuck were you?"

"Oh erm, I was ill."

"So why aren't you home and who the fuck is that Edward guy you're with?"

"Oh well, I _was_ill but then I felt better so I went and got some coffee and ran into Edward. He was so handsome and charming I couldn't resist going home with him." Bella rolled her eyes at my comment.

"You're such a slut."

"Are you a slut?" I whispered to Bella as I covered the mouth piece with my hand.

"No! Tell her to fuck off." Bella glared at the phone.

"Fuck you. I am not a slut."

"Oh really, so where did you end up last night? You were there at the bar doing shots then next thing I know your sucking the face off some tall ginger guy."

Again I covered up the mouth piece to talk to Bella. "Ginger guy?" She shrugged in response.

"I haven't got a clue what I did last night and neither do you so you can't judge." I removed my hand from the phone and went back to the conversation with Alice.

"I ended up at home spank you very much. You can even ask Blondie if you don't believe me."

"Blondie? Don't let Rose hear you call her that or you'll get a beat down. Any way we're going out tonight," she stated.

"Didn't we go out last night?"

"Yes and the night before, since when has that stopped us? Any way I'm bringing Jazzy tonight and he's promised to try and drag his friends with him. It should be fun." I snorted at the nickname Jazzy, he was so getting shit for that.

"Sure, sounds great I guess, what time?"

"9.30pm okay with you?"

"Okay."

"Okay see you later chicka." She hung up and I turned to Bella.

"So, it looks like we're going out tonight."

"We?"

"Yep, Jasper is meant to be dragging some friends so I expect I'll be getting a text in a bit. Even if that wasn't the case I'd drag you with me anyway, we need to keep an eye on each other and shit and who knows. You could be an amazing drunk, nothing better than a funny drunk chick."

"You had better not be one of those dicks that takes advantage of women 'cause if that's the case then I am so going to fuck this body up somehow."

"Hell no, I don't need to do that, women are all over me when they're sober damn it. I wouldn't sleep with a drunken chick unless I was just as drunk as them, my mother raised a gentleman I'll have you know."

"Okay then, I'll let you off. So are we pretending to be an item or something tonight?" she asked.

"I guess, if it keeps the creepy guys away from me I'm all for it, I only have so many awesome ways of scaring them off. Oh man, Starbucks was epic."

"It really was," she sighed. "We make and awesome team."

"Totally," I replied as we high fived each other.

"We clearly ooze maturity."

"Obviously."

My phone buzzed with a text from Jasper confirming my assumption that he'd be inviting me out tonight as well. I quickly typed a reply telling him I'd be there and asking him where to meet leaving him to reply with Bella's address and orders to meet there at 10.00pm.

"So what time do I have to meet Alice's hunk?"

"Ew you did not just call Jasper Alice's hunk. And 10.00pm."

"Oh I did, I saw him earlier. You have some good looking friend's dude. That's not a bad thing."

"I'm suddenly afraid of what happened when you saw him."

"I've got to say hiding a boner is not as easy as I thought it would be. I will never judge a guy for an inappropriate boner again, seriously is this thing ever not hard?" She gestured down to what happened to be a semi-erection.

"You got an erection over Jasper, dude that's fucking gross, that's my body. Oh my god I did not need those thoughts."

"Oh calm down Eddiepuss, if it makes you feel any better I got an erection over you too. Oh shit I should go clean the bathroom."

"Wait, what… Why?" I choked out.

"I may have gotten a little bit excited in there this morning." She went a little bit red at that statement.

"Okay, over me or Jasper?"

"You, Jasper hadn't even been round then." Woah, that was kind of hot, in a weird way. If I thought about it as Bella looking like she's meant to look and not like me while she was masturbating over an image of me the idea became really hot. Ugh, nothing makes sense anymore, when I realise that it in reality it would of just looked like me jerking off over myself in the mirror that shit just becomes lame and seems really vain.

"Stop thinking about it Edward, you'll just singe your hair as your brain cells burn up."

"Should I feel violated?" I joked.

"Nah I think you should feel honoured. It takes a special kind of man to make it into my spank bank." She winked.

"Why did we meet under these circumstances? Because I would totally do you if you weren't me right now and had a dick and all that shit."

"Ditto my friend, ditto. I guess it's a good thing though, because you seem like an alright dude and I'm kind of enjoying hanging out with you, plus there's our friends' dating, that would just be awkward if we'd done a fuck and run on each other."

"Very true," I agreed.

"Anyway, more Doctor Who?" she asked.

"Fuck yes."

**A/N: So there it is, i hope you liked it and all that shiz :) And hi to all the new readers that popped up in the last chapter, sorry if i don't live up to expectations but i really am fail so i'm warning you now lol. I hope the little bit about doctor who in the middle didn't confuse you too much but incase you want to know they were watching the episode New Earth from season 2. My friend the beautiful Punkfarie has a new one shot up that is a Twilight twist on the story of Snow white which you should all check out. Any ways i will stop my rambling now and get back to some reading :)**

**love you all,**

**doc xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

******A/N: Yeah again, sorry. I bet you're fed up of hearing that :( Thanks to fallanydeeper for betaing! and ass kicking lol**

**EPOV**

At about 8.00pm we decided I should head back to Bella's place so I could get dressed and shit. A shower would probably be a good idea too. Ooo a shower… imagine the fun I could have in there...

"Hey, slacker," Blondie greeted as I walked past her towards Bella's room.

"Hey."

"Where did you go? Alice called up during her break to bitch about you."

"Yeah she called me too. We're going out tonight."

"I figured as much. We go out every night."

"Meh," I replied with a shrug of the shoulders.

"Oh did you hear she's brining her new piece of ass?" I shuddered at Jasper being called a piece of ass. I did not want to think about his ass in any way, shape or form.

"Yep."

"Did you hear he's bringing his friends?"

"Yep."

"You should totally try hook up with that Edward dude, what with me screwing their other friend Emmett as well, you should screw Edward."

"Is he good looking?" I asked, playing along.

"Apparently he is, your type too considering the type of guy you were making out with last night."

"Who was I making out with?"

"Alice said it was just some ginger guy. Em is always calling Edward ginger."

"I am not ginger!" I yelled.

"No you're not…" Blondie replied looking at me oddly. "Non-ginger people can kiss ginger people you know, it's not contagious," she joked.

"I mean Edward isn't ginger, his hair is…. bronze, yeah that's it, bronze," I defended.

"And you would know this how?"

"Alice told me?"

"Whatever, just get in the shower before Alice gets back and tries to murder you."

"Not ginger," I grumbled as I carried on towards Bella's room.

I stripped off and chucked the clothes on the bed before heading to the bathroom. Boobs are awesome. I found myself staring at them as I walked, yeah, not such a good idea, door frames hurt.

"You okay in there?" Blondie yelled.

"Oh, yeah, just got distracted by my boobs for a moment there."

"Ugh, again? It's not like they're going away! Just keep your eyes up and get in the shower you idiot!"

"Fuck you!" My comeback was awesome, as always.

I reached into the shower and twisted the nozzle before searching through the cupboards to see what weird shit chicks had in there. I pulled out some strange packet that looked like candy… Odd place to keep candy. Upon opening it however I discovered it was not candy. I didn't have a fucking clue what it was; it was a small cotton thingy with a string attached. I stared at it for a while before it dawned on me, then I through the fucker across the room. I seriously hoped I'd be back in my own body for one of those things came anywhere near me.

Putting my hand under the spray I found the water was nice and warm. I stepped in and tipped my head back. The sensation of feeling hair brushing against your back when you've only ever had short hair was probably the strangest thing I'd ever felt, okay maybe not the _strangest_ thing, I mean I had somehow swapped bodies with Bella, I think that tops the strange scales.

All of Bella's soaps smelled all girly and fruity and shit, I mean it's not like I was expecting old spice or something, but I really was going to end up smelling like a girl after this. Also why the fuck does shower gel have to smell edible? Never before had I been so tempted to ingest harmful chemicals. But man was washing fun. I had my own boobs to lather up. Best. Thing. Ever. I also decided to shave, everywhere. I mean I'm pretty skilled with a razor and I do like my girls with less hair, plus Bella would probably kill me if I let a forest grow under her pits. I mean no harm could come of this right?

So after I had finished covering my legs in band aids some new chick decided to barge into the room. She was short with short black hair. I think it was safe to assume she was Alice.

"Bitch, I still haven't forgiven you for flaking out on me at work. But you know I need you to help me get dressed. Also why are you still naked? You should be dressed by now! Also was Freddie Krueger in the shower with you or something?" Wow Alice could talk.

"Fuck you. Why can't you dress yourself? And what is wrong with my birthday suit?"

"Nothing's wrong, you've got a banging bod and what not, but doesn't mean I want to see it."

"Then why the fuck did you just barge in?"

"Because I need your heeeeelp, duh!"

"Well I'm busy. Ask Rosalie to dress you or something."

"Bella you know Rose won't help, she'll just make me look like a sad, hooker clown or something."

"Then do it yourself because I'm fucking busy! I have to dress myself!"

"Ugh! Fine! Just so you know, I really, really don't like you right now!"

"I'll live, now go before I bend over in front of you or something."

"I'm going, I'm going," she whined before finally heading out of the room.

Okay so, getting dressed. We were going to a club, which meant I had to make an effort right? I made my second trip of the day to Bella's closet. After much searching and thinking I decided on some black skirt and a little purple vest thingy with those tiny straps. It made Bella's boobs look awesome. This time I had made some effort to put on a bra, it wasn't easy, but I think I got it right. No one will notice the label being on the wrong side, I was sure of it. I had no idea what I was going to do about shoes, so I figured I'd walk around bare foot for a while then when Bella got here I could sneakily ask her what to wear and hope to god that they were flat.

When I joined the females back in the living room I very quickly realised why Alice wasn't allowed to dress herself. I mean I don't know shit about clothes, but I'm pretty sure lime green shorts and a bright, pink blouse was a no-no. Blondie was obviously getting a kick out of shorty's appearance. See, she didn't even need Blondie's help to look like a sad clown hooker. She did a great job of it herself.

**BPOV**

What the fuck was Alice wearing? I was greeted by a very bright mess when she answered the door. Would it be weird to wear sunglasses this late? Oh god, had Edward helped her get dressed? I suddenly feared for my own body. I breathed a sigh of relief when I spotted Edward lounging across the couch. He was dressed pretty normal actually, I was mildly impressed.

I'd come bearing pizza, only because Edward had called and said she was hungry and that if I didn't bring any food with me he was going to make out with the ugliest girl he could find. I didn't mind making out with girls, not in the least, but I was picky damnit! Edward had asked for Hawaiian pizza, the freak had no taste. Fruit has no place on a pizza, and I had gone for all the meat I could find. It's the only way to have pizza really. I dropped the pizza in front of Edward before flopping on the couch next to him.

"Why does Bella get pizza?" Rosalie questioned.

"Because I asked him to get me some obviously," stated Edward before diving into his food.

"Wait, you two know each other?"

"We met at the coffee shop earlier and swapped numbers."

"Oh is that the Edward you were hanging out with all day?" Alice asked Edward.

"Yep, turns out he's friends with Jasper."

"Oh this is so great! It'll be like friends! Except no one is on a break and like if Phoebe and Joey were actually together, they so should have been, just so you know."

"Yes, I know Alice," Rosalie sighed. "You only say it every time you watch the damn show, which is every day!"

"I don't watch it every day!"

"Yes, you do, now shut up and help me steal some pizza from Bella."

"Fuck you, you're staying away from my Pizza," Edward argued with his mouth full.

"Wait, is that pineapple?" Rosalie asked confused,

"Yes, and what of it?"

"Bella, are you okay? Oh my god, did the ginger guy from last night knock you up in the bathroom?"

"Okay first off, I'm not pregnant, and second of all, if it were something from last night he'd of had to have like super sperm or some shit," Edward stated before leaning close to me. "You're not knocked up right?"

"No, I'll have you know I always make the guys wrap their tools. Like the saying goes, don't be a fool, wrap your tool."

"Good, because that would just be way too fucked up to deal with."

"So why the fuck are you eating pineapple on a pizza?" asked Rose.

"Because it's awesome?" Edward looked confused.

"You hate it, you even wrote an essay once about how fruit and pizza should never mix, then you yelled at Alice and threw a fork at her when she argued that a tomato is a fruit."

"That's just stupid though, tomato doesn't taste like a fruit! It's more like a vegetable." I argued.

"Oh god, not you too?" Rose rolled her eyes. "The tomato has its seeds inside it, thus making it a fruit. Or it's something like that anyway, plus it doesn't grow in the ground."

There was a knock at the door, snapping everyone out of their pizza argument. Alice leaped up and answered the door.

"Jazzy!" she yelled before throwing her arms around his neck. Edward almost choked on a piece of pineapple trying to keep from laughing. That'll teach him to eat such rubbish.

"Hey Ally bear," replied Jasper before bending down, pretty far I might add, and rubbing his nose against hers, I puked in my mouth a little from the cheesiness of the moment, Edward was turning red, I think the moment may of actually been killing him. This was so not the Jasper I met earlier, what the hell had happened to his balls? Maybe I'd been blinded by his looks so I missed the crazy or something.

After _Jazzy_had managed to untangle himself from Alice he came over to me and stole a piece of my pizza, I decided there and then that I wasn't a fan of Jasper and him and his fine, pizza stealing ass could just fuck off.

"What the fuck?" Jasper asked his slice of stolen pizza.

"It won't answer back," I explained to him. "I learned that the hard way."

"Why is it so greasy?" he asked.

"Because the best pizza always is." Wasn't it obvious?

"But you hate greasy stuff; you get paranoid about your skin." I could see Edward on the couch, still pink; I think he'd finished choking and now he was just ashamed of his vein pizza eating ways.

"Well I was a shallow idiot, clearly meaty pizza is superior."

"I won't argue there dude."

"Wait, quick question Jasper, what pizza does Edward usually have?" asked Rose.

"Hawaiian. Why?"

"Edward you're ginger, did you knock Bella up last night and infect her with your pizza taste or something? Or like did you swap taste buds with too much tongue wrestling?"

"He's not ginger!" yelled Edward.

"I didn't knock up anyone! And as Bella said, only super sperm could work that fast. Also wrestling tongues? That sounds like bad porn, and if we _were_tongue wrestling I'd so win, just saying." I was a competitive person, what can I say?

"Pffft, my tongue would so kick your tongue's ass," Edward retorted.

"Tongues don't have asses you idiot."

"Enough with the kinky foreplay, let's get going," moaned Rose.

"What…? We weren't... pfft," I stuttered out.

"I wasn't on about you, I was on about the little neon thing there and the jolly green giant." Jasper had been wearing a lot of green I thought as my eyes drifted towards them.

"Oh god! My eyes!" I was some serious dry humping going on, on the love seat and Alice's top had risen so that it barely covered her bra. However, they clearly hadn't heard us and just kept going. Alice's hand began to undo Jasper's belt and the rest of us looked at each other and bolted. I guess Alice and Jasper weren't coming with us tonight after all.

**A/N: I'm pretty sure most of the people reading this are here because the awesome Eternally Cullen told you to come here lol... But seriously lovie... thanks for the rec! sorry it took so long for the update!**

**Also on another note... to any fellow Brits... stay safe... and if by come crazy chance any of the rioters read fic... (I assume they can't read full stop) then fuck you, seriously, fuck you.**

**Hugs to all!**

**Doc**

**xx**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I took forever again, I'm so sorry :( But hopefully now i have Fallanydeeper betaing me and kicking my ass the chapters should come much faster :) also want to say thanks to MSPT91 for being awesome :)**

**EPOV**

We met Emmett outside the club; just before we got in line.

"Hey I'm Emmett." he said as he held his hand towards me, for a second I was slightly confused before I remembered I was Bella.

"I'm Bella," I replied giving him a firm handshake, maybe firmer than I should have. Emmett seriously looked massive from down here. I mean I knew he was a big dude, but from Bella's height it was crazy.

"Edward, my man! How are you?" He made a move to give Bella a bro hug. You know the hold hands and pat each other on the back thing?

"Hey... Emmett, I'm cool. How about you?" she replied as she very awkwardly returned the hug, she clearly wasn't used to bro hugs, I guess that's because she wasn't a bro...

"I'm fine, just finished decorating that house I told you about, found the most _fabulous _carpet for the bedroom, and the wallpaper I put on the feature wall is to _die _for." The expression on Bella's face made me burst out laughing. It was the face most people had when Emmett first speaks to them. No one ever expects him to be so camp. He's built like a giant, but has the personality of well... my mom. He is straight, just doesn't seem like it. I guess you could say he was very in touch with his feminine side.

"That sounds... great." Bella replied, obviously confused.

"How long do you think we've got to wait?" asked Blondie.

"Not a clue, this line is pretty long," I replied.

"Well it's a good thing I brought us some drinks then isn't it!" exclaimed Em, excitedly.

"My hero," gushed Blondie before giving him a quick peck on the lips. After taking a few swigs of vodka each we were all starting to feel the buzz.

"So how did you guys meet?" Bella asked Em and Blondie.

"I was buying some shoes and Em helped me."

"She was about to buy these hideous sandals, I just couldn't let her buy them and be caught in public wearing them! She has amazing ankles and she needs to show them off so I found her these gorgeous heeled wedges, I mean look at them, they make her legs look a mile long!" he said while looking appreciatively at her legs. They did look pretty amazing, I couldn't lie.

Half an hour and a bottle of vodka between us later and we still hadn't gotten into the club.

"Ugh this is taking for fucking ever," whined Bella.

"Tell me about it, its freaking cold too, look at my damn nipples! I could cut glass with these things!" Blondie was also complaining, however I took this as an open invitation to stare at her boobs.

"Your nipples are always fucking hard," muttered Bella.

"And how the fuck would you know?" questioned Blondie.

"Yeah Eddie, how would you know what my girls nipples are like?"

"Errrm just a guess?" she replied hesitantly. I just laughed at her and she shot me an evil glare. That's when a cold breeze blew past us and I felt my nipples tighten... holy crap this felt weird, slightly good, but really weird, I wrapped my arms my chest to shield the poor nipples from the cold.

"Are you smuggling some peanuts there Bella?" Bella asked with a smirk; hinting towards my folded arms, bitch was picking on me, I knew it.

"Fuck you, it's cold!" I replied. "Why won't this line just fucking hurry up already?"

"Because they suck," was Blondie's well thought out reply.

"Aw baby, give Emmy some sugar, I'll make it less boring for you." Emmett wrapped his arms around Blondie and leaned in before beginning a rather graphic make out session. Seriously, what was with our friends? They were all such horny fuckers. I averted my eyes and looked to Bella for a distraction, her only reply was to put her two fists together and wiggle her thumbs, like I was meant to know what the fuck that meant. I just looked at her, the confusion evident on my face.

"It's an awkward turtle, duh," she answered as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why does it have to be a turtle? Why not some other round animal with arms like... okay I see why it's a turtle, but why is it awkward?"

"Because turtles are awkward."

"No they aren't, turtles are cool. Have you seen Finding Nemo? Those turtles were far from awkward, they were awesome!"

"Pfft, that's a cartoon, it's not real."

"Oh so you see many turtles being awkward do you?" I reasoned.

"Yes, their mere existence is awkward."

"Erm guys, we're just going to errrm, we'll BRB," Emmett announced before dragging Blondie off into a nearby alley way.

"Ew, gross," responded Bella. "Wait, did he actually just say 'BRB' instead of be right back?"

"Why yes, yes he did, welcome to the amazing world of Emmett," I laughed.

"Okay I hate to ask this, but is he you know... gay?" she asked quietly.

"No, he's just... flamboyant. He definitely likes the ladies. He just refuses to let society put him in a box that says he's male so he has to act a certain way. I've got to admit, I totally respect him for it, even if he does get a bit much sometimes."

"That's pretty cool, I guess. But just so you know, if he leaves Rose for a dude, I'll punch him in the ball sack."

"Message received," I laughed in reply.

Before long Em and Blondie were making their way back to us in the line while Blondie wiped a hand across her mouth, doesn't take a genius to figure out what they'd been doing.

"Hey no cutting in line!" some douche from the back of the line yelled.

"We aren't! We were here ages ago!" Em yelled back.

"You left, so now you have to start again."

"Who the fuck are you? And what gives you permission to make the laws of the line?" Blondie responded.

"Fuck you whore! If you hadn't been such a slut and gone to blow your boyfriend you wouldn't have a problem!"

"Oh it's on bitch!" yelled Blondie as she threw her purse on the floor and started stomping off towards the guy. "Just because you couldn't get a bitch to suck your dick if you smothered it in fucking crack doesn't mean you have to be a bastard about other people actually being able to get some!"

"Hey dude, keep your bitch away from me, you should keep her on a fucking leash!" he shouted at Emmett.

"Fuck you. My woman doesn't need a fucking leash! Keep your sexist taunts to your fucking self!" Emmett was clearly getting pissed too now. He hated nothing more than men telling women where they belonged.

"Hey douche canoe!" Bella was joining in now. "Why don't you just shut the fuck up yeah? No one wants to hear your whiny voice."

"I do!" piped a random voice half way down the line. "This is the best entertainment I've had all night!"

"Glad we could be of service," responded Blondie sarcastically.

"Hey! What's all this yelling about?" Some giant bouncer dude walked towards us. When I say giant, I mean giant, fucker had to be on steroids or something.

"These two were cutting in line!" yelled dickface while pointing at Blondie and Em.

"This true?" he asked.

"No it's not fucking true, that dick over there is just being a dick and I'm going to fucking kick his ass!" That was Blondie again.

"Sorry ma'am but I won't have violence in my line," he told her calmly, which just made her even angrier. She kicked the wall behind her, knocking over her purse and the empty vodka bottle in the process.

"Have you all been drinking?"

"Us? What? Pffft nooooo." Bella replied nervously. The security guard raised an eyebrow at her.

"Yes! I'm sorry okay, but we were cold and bored and this line was taking forever." Bitch cracked like an egg.

"I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you all to step out of the line, we can't have behaviour like yours in here tonight."

"The fuck?" I screamed. "That's fucking bullshit! It's that guy's fault!" I stopped yelling the second I saw giant bouncer dude number two show up and place a hand on number one's shoulder.

"Everything okay here?" he asked.

"These people were just leaving," number one answered looking at us firmly. All of our bravado suddenly vanished and we left the line with our tails between our legs; or no tail at all in my case... man I miss my penis.

**BPOV**

Once we were shamefully kicked out of the line for the shitty club, yes, I was bitter, thus making the club automatically shitty, Rose and Emmett left almost straight away to finish what they had started in the alley. Horny fuckers. Which left me and Edward walking the streets out of boredom, plus I think part of Edward was terrified what he'd find back at my place, lord knows what Alice and Jasper could be getting up to.

"So what do we do now then?" I asked, wandering aimlessly was getting old.

"I haven't got a clue in all honesty, I was kind of hoping to have found some chick and be helping you explore your lesbian side a little, without you actually being there obviously."

"Do you not remember what I said earlier about Rose? That side has been explored very thoroughly thank you very much, and more sober than just that time with Rose too." Oh man had it been explored, not as much as my interest in men had though, I guess you could say I was 70% straight? Meh, who needs labels anyway.

"Shit that's hot." I could see Edward's eyes go out of focus as he lost himself in his sexy thoughts.

"Yeah it was," I replied with a smirk. Shit, thinking about sex was making me hard again, seriously, does this thing ever fucking turn off? Edward noticed of course and giggled at me.

"It's so weird being allowed to get horny and the whole world not knowing. You chicks have it so can sit and think dirty shit all day and no one will know! But a guy tries do the same thing and he pitches a tent!"

"This thing is seriously annoying," I agreed with him. "Anyway, I was hoping to be balls deep in some guy's ass by now as well! Looks like a fail tonight on both our parts."

"Please don't talk about being balls deep while using my body."

"What? It'd be fucking hot! I love to watch gay sex, so now that I actually have the equipment to have it I'm soooo taking advantage."

"Ew." My torturing Edward was cut off when I heard the cutest little sound coming from the dumpster we were walking past. There was a faint meow.

"Can you hear that?" I asked.

"Hear what?"

_Meow._ I heard it again.

"That meowing."

"What?"

"Shhhh." We both stood in silence until I heard it again.

_Meow._

"No wait, I can hear it now." Edward leaned toward the dumpster for a closer look.

_Meow._

"Oh gosh, do you think it's been abandoned?" I asked with a gasp. Poor thing. I'd save it. "Don't worry baby, mommy is coming for you!" I yelled before hauling myself into the dumpster, shit it smelt in here. I began frantically tossing trash and boxes aside till I found the little fur ball curled up in the corner. It was so tiny and adorable! It was ginger and looked dirty. Poor little fella.

"Mommy?" Edward asked curiously.

"Yes, I'm saving it, so I will be mommy, obviously."

"Have you looked in a mirror today?"

"Shit, errm okay, so I'm daddy for now, you're mommy," I replied, a smile forming on my lips when I assigned Edward his new role of mommy to our new fur baby. I carefully picked the tiny thing up and cradled it in my arms.

"Now I'm going to take little Crookshanks home and give her a quick bath and check for injuries then I'll put some tuna in a bowl for her."

"How can you tell it's a her? And Crookshanks?"

"Yeah you know, from Harry Potter. And I don't know, I'm kind of guessing here."

"Oh right, that makes perfect sense," he replied, obviously still confused.

"Come on, let's get her home so we can look after her." I handed Crookshanks to Edward before climbing out of the dumpster.

"Yeah, you can take a shower too while we're there. I take it we're going to my place then?"

"You mean mine for now right? And yes, unless you want to see Alice and the Jolly green giant get up to some unsavoury things then I seriously suggest coming back to your place." Seriously though, if he valued his retina, there was no way he'd go back to mine and the girl's place tonight.

"Come on little Crookshanks, it's time to show you your new house!" I told the kitten excitedly as we walked with purpose towards Edward's.

_Meow._

**A/N: There you go, hope it was okay. The next update won't take as long as the last ones did Fallanydeeper will make sure of it lol. See you next time!**

**Doc **

**xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: It only took a month this time! That's like some sort of record for this fic lmao (still forever but it's getting better right?) lol Thanks again to the awesome Fallanydeeper for betaing! See you Tuesday! :p lol So yeah, here is my update, hope you like it!**

**Smeyer owns Twilight (this may also be the first time I've remembered to say this for this story... oops)**

**BPOV**

"So how do you think we can tell if she's a girl or not?" I asked Edward while holding the little fur ball in my hands looking to see if some sort of features sprang out at me. Okay maybe wrong choice of words there.

"No idea. Are you sure there's no mini peen or anything?"

"I can't see one, but maybe it's hidden or something, Crookshanks is tiny after all."

"Well google it then." Ahh logic, why hadn't I used that?

"Good idea," I said getting up to get online before I realised I didn't have a clue where a computer was, I hadn't seen a desktop anywhere. Edward must have noticed my hesitation because he reached below the couch and pulled out a laptop. "Thanks." I smiled before turning it on. Then I realised I didn't know his password.

"Oh just give it here."

"Can't you just tell me your password?"

"No, it's private."

"But what if I want to go online?"

"Then you can't."

"But what if I want to watch porn?"

"More gay porn?"

"Perhaps..."

"Well tough, why don't you just grab your own laptop tomorrow?"

"I kind of gave it a virus."

"By downloading porn?" I shot him a glare because he was right. "Yeah you're definitely not having my password now."

"But I want to watch pooooorn!" I whined.

"If you go into my bedroom and look at the dvd shelf at the back of my wardrobe you'll find a shit ton of dvds."

"Oooo," I replied before dashing off to see his stash. I was already resigned to the fact there wouldn't be any magnificent dvds full of buttsecks and sword fights, but porn is porn I guess and when you're desperate, you're desperate.

Edward had some amazing titles including; but not limited to: When Harry Ate Sally, Star Whores, In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon, Pulp Friction, Breast Side Story and Dyke Hard. They looked pretty fun.

"You sure there's no guy love in here? Because you know I'd love you forever if there was," I called through to the living room. Edward walked in a few seconds later looking a little sheepish. Hmmm this could get very interesting.

"Okay I'm going to show you something that must never leave this room." He looked at me sternly.

"Scouts honor," I replied.

"I was never a scout so you can't do that with my body. Every times someone lies about being a scout a kitten dies."

"You take that back right now! No kittens will die!" I yanked Crookshanks from his arms in disgust.

"It's okay baby, I won't let the evil kitten killer near you again." I said sweetly while rubbing my nose against her teeny little one, she looked back with a confused expression before deciding my nose wasn't clean enough for her liking and she began to lick it.

"I don't mean literally," he sighed in exasperation. He stepped past me and leant into the wardrobe, leaning right down to a shoe box that was sat at the bottom of the dvd shelf. "I was given these as joke presents, well most of them. No one knows I've kept them though," he whispered before opening the box. It was like a mini treasure chest! There were about 6 dvds in there, all about the man love. Oh this was going to be fun.

"Why did you keep them?" I asked, the curiosity burning away at me.

"Well I sort of watched one by accident once, an old roommate from college was into it and it had gotten mixed in with my own stuff and well, I couldn't turn it off. I've never found myself attracted to a man or anything, but something about that video was hot, I've never understood it really. But I kept it, and then when I've had them as prank gifts from people like Emmett in the past they've just gone in here, only to resurface when I was feeling adventurous." I just stared at him with my mouth open.

"Did you jerk off to them?" His face turned red.

"Only like once or twice."

"That's so fucking hot."

"Yeah well, keep that between you and I okay."

"Why? You ashamed or something?"

"No I just don't want to have to put up with any questions, I know I'm straight. The thought of a guy touching me completely turns me off, it's just those dvds," he tried to explain, to be honest I still didn't get it but whatever, each to their own.

"So Emmett gave you the gay porn?"

"Yeah."

"You sure he's not even a little bit?"

"No he's definitely not,"

"And you know for sure because…" Oh my god, he'd gone red again.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Okay there was one night when we were drunk and we tried kissing, it was gross and didn't work and that's how we both know we don't like men," he blurted out very fast.

"Nice, is it wrong to picture a foursome with me, you Em and Rose?" I asked. If it's wrong though I sure as hell don't want to be right!

"Yeah well enough about porn, you've got enough to keep you entertained I think. Shouldn't we be dealing with the little one now?"

"I guess it'll do, now I've got some awesome imagery to add to it as well, good thing you have strong arms, I should be able to go for ages." I grinned.

"Don't forget dudes have a longer recovery time than girls."

"Spoil sport."

EPOV

I finally managed to drag Bella away from my porn stash so we could find out the gender of little Crookshanks. That little thing was adorable. I'd never let Bella know but I was totally head over heels for it. While she'd been rooting in my room it'd curled up on my lap and head butted my hand looking for attention, it was just so darn cute! You'd need to have a heart of stone not to love it.

"Okay so apparently to tell you have to look at how far away these two holes on its butt are."

"Okay what?"

"Yeah, if it's a girl the vaginal opening is closer to the anus than the little hole where the pee pee lives on a boy."

"But we have nothing to compare it to." We were both sort of just gazing at Crookshank's ass at this point trying to analyse the distance between the two holes. "Is that far apart or not?"

"I don't know. Erm, if it's a girl the lower hole is more slit like. Does that look like a slit to you?"

"Kind of?"

"Oh wait, here are some pictures." We found ourselves staring at yet another cat's ass.

"Shank's looks closer together than that one does. Is that a boy?" Bella asked.

"Apparently, so does that make her a girl? And Shanks? I thought it was Crookshanks."

"Yeah but that's long so I've given her a nickname, a pretty bad ass one at that."

"So it looks like you're a girl then aren't you? Aren't you little Shanky?" Yes, I was speaking in baby talk and no, I didn't give a fuck. Bella made a move to take her away from me so I just held her closer to my chest. "It's my turn at the moment, some bonding time with my little girl."

"She's my little girl! I'm the one that crawled into a dumpster to get her!"

"Yeah but she loves me more!" I held Shanky up to my nose and gave her an Eskimo kiss. "Isn't that right baby?" She placed her little paw on my nose and pushed my head back. Bella just laughed at me. "Fine! Here, have your turn, but be warned, I will be the favourite parent, you mark my words." I informed her as I handed the fur baby back to its mommy.

Bella was wearing a smug smile until she suddenly got showered. Yeah we probably needed to house train the kitten. I burst out laughing and Bella shot me the glare to end all glares. "Maybe I already am the favourite." I gloated. Bella suddenly looked eerily calm. She placed Shanky on the coffee table then looked back at me. A slow evil smile crept across her face, I'd never realised how scary my face looked until this moment. It actually looked capable of murder. I made a mental note never to pull a face like that when I got it back. Suddenly Bella launched herself at me and flattened me against the couch. It wasn't even like I could put up a fight, she overpowered me easily. That would be all those hours I put in at the gym, and by gym I meant bed of course. She just lay on top of my like a wet cloth, it was when I actually started to feel wet that I realised why. She was covering me in cat piss. I tried to push her off but Bella's body was clearly a bit weedy.

"Get off! That's so gross!" I yelled still trying, and failing, to lift her off me.

"You shouldn't have laughed at me then!" she yelled back.

"Oh my god! Why is your body so weak?"

"Fuck you, I'm not weak!"

"You seriously are, I can't even lift you!"

"Maybe you're just fat!" she replied. She so did not just go there. Oh it's on, it's on like donkey kong. I knew her weaknesses, the parts that were ticklish and where hurt. I went for the kill, first I tickled her sides, followed by a nipple cripple then I went right in for the crotch grab. She stopped fighting then. She looked at me dead in the eye.

"You wouldn't." I tightened my grip a little.

"Oh I would," I warned. However the tightening of my hand had the opposite effect I was going for, I felt her get hard in my hand and I jerked my hand away. She actually had the audacity to blush.

"Was that really necessary?" I asked.

"It wasn't my fault, blame your body, apparently it likes my hands touching it."

"Well it's not happening again, now shut up, I'm going to go take this pissy shirt off now."

"Yeah I should do the same." she ended up following me into my room and I started to sort out some clothes for us to sleep in.

"You're on the couch by the way," I informed her.

"Sure what ever," she replied as she started taking her clothes off. I wish I could say it was fun to watch, but it really wasn't. Why did we have to be stuck in each other's bodies? "Can I have some blankets?" she asked.

"Here, and try not to leave any stains on it, I may not of known you long, but I'm pretty sure I know you well by now."

"Wow, has it really been one day?"

"Shit, it's so weird right? I feel like I've known you for ages."

"Tell me about it. Okay well I'm going to make myself comfy on your couch, night sugar tits." I threw a pillow at her as she left laughing. "Wait you got any tissues?"

"There's a box on the table next to the couch!"

"Thanks!" I tried hard not to think what she wanted them for. But the more I thought the more I thought about other stuff, like what it would feel like to get off as a chick, I mean the bitches are blessed with the whole multiple orgasm thing. It didn't take long to decide my next course of action as I began to run my hands towards my new boobies.

**A/N: and there you go :) So Breaking Dawn friday... you excited, dreading it? Any other brits going to be at the prem Wednesday? Going to camp out again... can't wait! But i doubt we'd get anything like they're getting in tent city *grumbles* yeah kind of bitter about that, i won't lie... something for the none American fans would be nice Twilight! Any way i'll shut up now lol.**

**Love ya! **

**Doc**

**xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: It's an update! Does Christmas count as an excuse for this being like 2 months since the last one? Yeah sorry about that, I'm hoping to update once a month and maybe if I see a pig fly or something there'll be more than one, but tbh,I suck way too much for that. Anyways thanks to Fallanydeeper for betaing me, you guys have no clue how awesome that chick is btw, singing disney tunes loudly while everyone around you tries to sleep while queuing over night for the Breaking Dawn Prem in London is a great way to form a bond. **

**EPOV**

Did I say how awesome boobs were yet? Because I think they really are. They're all squashy and soft and shit. I ran my hands over my breasts, yeah still weird to think, Bella's breasts or my breasts? Well they're mine for now I guess. So yeah, back to running my hands over my breasts. My nipples pebbled as I grazed them. One hand continued to fiddle with my nipple, pinching it lightly, it felt pretty good, not as amazing as I thought it would, but it was still pretty nice. My other hand made its way down towards the Promised Land. My belly jumped a little as I lightly ran my fingers across it near the edge of the panties I was wearing. It felt nice, so I ran my fingers over the spot a few times, enjoying the odd sensation it was causing.

Once I got impatient with teasing myself I inched my fingers closer to my folds and lightly traced my fingers up and down them. That's when I realised I didn't have any chick to impress right now, this was just me, why the fuck was I bothering with this teasing shit? So I just went for it, my finger headed straight for my clit and my whole body tensed and twitched. I thought that was supposed to feel good? I tried again. It didn't exactly feel bad it just sort of felt like too much. Maybe chicks needed the teasing thing. So I did just that, I ran my fingers around my hole, slowly teasing it, occasionally plunging a finger in. I began to notice every time my finger ran over my clit it got less and less jolting each time, and the more moisture I had on my finger the better it felt.

Eventually I realised I was getting a hell of a lot more enjoyment from teasing my clit than from the actual penetration. I began to gently rub it, it felt nice, really nice, but it wasn't enough. I pressed harder and it felt even better. But again not enough, my other hand doubled its efforts with my nipples, which also helped, but still, not enough.

I let my mind wander, that thing Bella had mentioned about Rosalie came to mind and I let myself picture Rosalie's fingers exploring Bella's clit and breasts. Oh shit, that was better. Some mental stimulation helped a lot it would seem. I pictured Rosalie biting down on Bella's nipple as I gave it a pinch. My finger increased its speed on my clit as I imagined Rosalie slowly moving her way down Bella's stomach, kissing and licking her way, I pictured her blonde hair between Bella's thighs as she slowly licked her clit. My finger was going at full speed now and I could feel my body starting to tense, my wrist was beginning to ache, but I kept up my speed, almost trying to make my finger vibrate as I rubbed.

My imagination began to slip a little as Rosalie's blonde hair was suddenly replaced with my own bronze hair (not ginger). I moved my other hand to join the first and covered it in my juices, I brought my finger to my lips and savoured the taste, this was how Bella tasted, I imagined tasting her from the source as I ran my tongue over her clit. My body tensed even harder and my hands started to shake as my orgasm hit. My eyes closed and my mouth dropped open, my finger still furiously massaging. My body convulsed as I felt waves of pleasure wash over me. My finger carried on as I came down, the more I came down the more my finger made me twitch and the more it stopped being pleasurable.

After I was finished I washed my hands before crawling back into bed, I felt sort of cheated, I'd been excited to see how many orgasms I could have in one go, but reaching even one took too much effort, I swear that one finger had started to get pruney. My last thought before drifting off to sleep had been to wonder what that purple vibrator in Bella's room would feel like.

I woke up sometime in the afternoon and headed straight to the toilet. I was still half asleep when I got in there; however the second I sat down I was completely awake. I'd sat in pee. Bella must of pissed all over the toilet seat last night or something, because there was most definitely pee everywhere and it sure as shit wasn't me this time. I don't even know if it is possible for me to get pee everywhere right now, not without doing something stupid at least. I'd stayed with enough chicks over the years to know how they liked men to put the toilet seat up so why the fuck didn't Bella do what she's probably whined at countless men to do? I finished my business fast and wiped myself dry... all over.

"Bella can you please remember to put the toilet seat up in future, I just sat in your pee and it was fucking gross!" I yelled as I made my way into the living room. I was greeted to a grunt in return and the site of Bella sprawled across the couch. There were wads of tissue all over the floor, looked like she had a busy night. I was distracted by some movement to my left, oh yeah; we had a kitten now, a kitten that was playing with one of Bella's tissues.

"Bella wake the fuck up and clean your mess up, Crookshanks should not be playing with shit like that."

"What?" she mumbled as she slowly sat up.

"You left jizzy tissues all over the fucking floor, you're meant to clean shit like that up you know."

"Guess I fell asleep before I remembered to, I was too blissed out, masturbating is fun Eddie, you know that?" I rolled my eyes.

"It's not Eddie and yes I know it's fun, but dude, the kitten is playing with the tissues. That's just fucked up."

"What? Oh ew, gross, no Crookshanks, that not for kittens." She told Shanksy off before picking her off the floor and handing her to me. "Say good morning to your Maddy Shanks." She told the kitten.

"Maddy?" I asked. Some seriously random shit came out of her mouth.

"Yeah, like Mom Daddy, cause you look like a Mom, but you're a Dad, so you're her Maddy and I'll be her Dommy."

"Dommy?" I raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to realise what she'd said.

"Yep, now move, I need to piss." She picked up the tissues and pushed past me towards the bathroom, I guess she didn't realise what Dommy sounded like.

"Come on baby, let's get you fed," I told Shanksy as I carried her into the kitchen.

**BPOV**

Oh wow, I had made a mess of the bathroom, this time I made sure to lift the lid before I let loose. When I was done I quickly gave the floor a quick wipe with a dirty towel I found in the laundry pile. I splashed some water on my face before heading back towards Edward and the smell of burning.

"I'm not a fan of burnt toast, I won't lie. I like it much lighter than that." I teased as I saw him pick two slices of black bread out of the toaster.

"Screw you, I thought I'd be nice and shit and this is the thanks I get? And besides, it's not my fault, Shanksy distracted me, look at her, she is like obsessed with my feet or something." I looked down and sure enough, Shanksy was following his every move, chasing his foot every time it took a step, biting a toe every time it wiggled. "I was going to feed her, but then I remembered I don't have cat food."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

"Erm, do you have any tuna or anything?" Edward turned around and began to rummage through the cupboard.

"Bingo! We have tuna!" I took the can from him and put it into a bowl and smashed it up so it was easier to eat.

"We really need to go shopping for her, get some proper cat food in and like a litter tray and stuff, oh and a collar!"

"Yeah a litter tray is a must. I think I trod in cat pee on my way in here, unless that was you again."

"Ha ha, very funny," I deadpanned.

"I thought so, anyway, can you make some un-burnt toast while I go get dressed? Once we're ready I vote we go shopping for this one," he suggested while gesturing to Crookshanks with his toe, she almost gave up on her tuna to go back to giving the toe a chew, but after much deliberation she went back to her fish, leaving Edward's toes safe, for now.

After making the toast and eating my share I went in search of some clean clothes for the day. I could hear Edward in the bathroom brushing his teeth as I raided his closest, giving a longing glance towards the box at the back. Part of me hoped Edward would go stay at my house one night soon so I could have some real fun with those DVDs, but part of me was also very worried how that could turn out, people might think we've truly lost it if we start to act like each other, Rose already seemed on to something.

I wondered for a moment whether Rose would believe me if I told her the truth, but then again, she refused to believe me when I told her a tomato clearly wasn't a fruit, so I doubt she'd believe something as crazy as switching bodies. Me and Edward really needed to get to know each other really well and fast so we could go back to work and actually make it so when we go back to our own lives and bodies, there's actually a life to get back to. I was already dreading having to explain yesterday's absence to my boss.

I threw on a random t-shirt and a pair of jeans and headed to the bathroom to do my own teeth just as Edward made his way out.

"Would it be wrong to wear yesterday's clothes again?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied with a mouth full of toothpaste.

"But I don't have any girl's clothes here." Shit, yeah, what the fuck would he wear? No way could he come shopping in the clothes from the club, that stuff is only suitable for a walk of shame, not a shopping trip of shame. I spat out the toothpaste and gave my mouth a quick wipe.

"We'll have to pop to mine on the way. That means a walk of shame, but at least you won't smell like crap."

"I do not smell like crap," he protested.

"If you don't get some clean panties you will and you'll start to itch and shit, and that is never pleasant, plus people might think you've got crabs, I don't want a reputation like that."

"Fine whatever. You nearly done?" he asked as he was shimmying back into last night's skirt, forgoing the panties, he was in for a bit of a shocker breeze wise.

"Yep, I'm done, you sure you want to go bare like that?" I asked.

"Yeah, can't be that bad, just a little breeze right?"

**A/N: so there you go, another chapter, probably not worth the wait but meh, hope you all had a nice Christmas and New years and what not. Since my last update I've met... Rob (again), Kristen, Taylor (Jamie Campbell Bower... again) and Jackson Rathbone! Now leave me a review telling me how jealous you are and how much you hate me. **

**I also totally made my own banner for this, I think I'm finally getting a hang of that gimp thing! It should be on my profile by now... and I've also put a link on my profile for this rec blog thing I started, just random recs, totally informal, with the occasional rant of random observation...**

**Doc**

xxx


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